六級(jí)作文點(diǎn)評(píng)
Thanks for the job offer, but I can't
在本期大學(xué)英語(yǔ)四六級(jí)考試專(zhuān)欄中，復(fù)旦大學(xué)夏國(guó)佐教授對(duì)讀者題為"A letter declining a job offer"的作文進(jìn)行了講評(píng)和改寫(xiě)。這是2005年12月六級(jí)考試的作文題目。作文部分總分15分，按照評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn),這篇文章的得分是8分。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a letter to a company declining a job offer. You should write at least 150 words following the outline given below:
1. 對(duì)公司提供職位表示感謝
2. 解釋為何不能接受所提供的職位
3. 希望予以諒解，并表達(dá)對(duì)公司的良好祝愿
讀者原文
Dear Sir:
I'm writing you this letter to express my heartfelt thanks for offering me the post. I have always longed for the chance of working and studying in your company. But another reason prevent me from having the pleasure to accept the job offer.
As you know, I came from a small village where is poor and backward. The villagers are living a steadfast and assiduous life now and no college students would like to go there and help them out. So I think it's my duty to go back to my hometown and do my best to help the villagers live a better life.
For this, I'm awfully sorry that I have to give up the golden opportunity to work in your company which is well-known both at home and abroad. I hope you can understand and forgive me for the job offer. Also I wish your company becoming more prosperous every day.
Best wishes.
Yours sincerely,
Kate
改寫(xiě)后的文章
Dear Sir:
I'm writing you this letter to express my heartfelt thanks for offering me the post. I have always longed for a chance to work in your company. But one thing prevents me from having the pleasure of accepting the job offer.
As you probably know from my resume, I came from a small village, which is poor and backward. The villagers have been living a hard life but no college graduates return there and help them out. So, I think it's my duty to go back to my hometown and do my best to help the villagers live a better life.
For this, I have to give up the golden opportunity to work in your company, which is well-known both at home and abroad. I hope you can understand my decision and forgive me for refusing the job offer. Meanwhile, I hope your company will become more prosperous with each passing day.
Best wishes,
Yours sincerely,
Kate
夏教授的講評(píng)
這篇作文寫(xiě)得還算可以，可以說(shuō)達(dá)到了大學(xué)英語(yǔ)寫(xiě)作的最基本的要求。盡管有一些句子結(jié)構(gòu)和用詞錯(cuò)誤，但作者要表達(dá)的意思基本上可以傳達(dá)給讀者。從通篇行文來(lái)看，該生基本語(yǔ)法和句子結(jié)構(gòu)掌握較好，并已具備了駕馭長(zhǎng)句和復(fù)雜句子的能力，對(duì)英語(yǔ)的詞語(yǔ)搭配和習(xí)慣用法也比較注意。但是看樣子該生有一些粗心大意，另外對(duì)文章的連貫性也不夠注意，寫(xiě)完后沒(méi)有仔細(xì)修改，犯了一些本可以避免的錯(cuò)誤。下面是幾點(diǎn)修改意見(jiàn)：
1. 第一段第二句 "I have always longed for the chance of working and studying in your company"中，應(yīng)刪去 "and studying" ，公司雇你去工作，并非學(xué)習(xí)。