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職場(chǎng)社交課堂：惹別人生氣了怎么辦？
事實(shí)表明，爭(zhēng)吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么，畢竟別人體會(huì)不到你的想法或行為，別人體會(huì)到的是你的行為所帶來(lái)的后果。
I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.
遲到了。我跟老婆埃莉諾約好7點(diǎn)在飯店見(jiàn)面來(lái)著，現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)7點(diǎn)半了。我的理由還算充分：因?yàn)楦硞�(gè)客戶有約，所以只能先忙完再馬不停蹄趕來(lái)一起吃晚飯。
When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.
趕到飯店后，我急忙跟老婆道歉：我不是故意要遲到的。
She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.
她回道：“你什么時(shí)候故意遲到過(guò)?”呃，看來(lái)老婆生氣了。
"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.
“對(duì)不起，”我說(shuō)，“但事情真的推不開。”接下來(lái)就是我要跟客戶見(jiàn)面如何如何……可是，我越解釋越是火上澆油，最后連我自己也氣得不行。
That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.
自然，那頓晚飯也吃得不開心。
Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.
幾個(gè)星期后，我把這件事告訴了朋友肯-哈迪�？鲜羌彝ブ委煼矫娴膶＜�。聽(tīng)完我的訴說(shuō)，他笑了。
"You made a classic mistake," he told me.
“你可真是犯了一個(gè)典型的錯(cuò)誤�！彼f(shuō)。
"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.
“啥?是我做錯(cuò)了嗎?”我半開玩笑問(wèn)道。
"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you were late. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."
“當(dāng)然是你錯(cuò)了，剛才就是�！彼f(shuō)�！澳阋恢睆淖约旱牧�(chǎng)強(qiáng)調(diào)‘我不是故意遲到的’，但這不是問(wèn)題的關(guān)鍵，關(guān)鍵是你確實(shí)遲到了，而且你的遲到確實(shí)影響到了埃莉諾�！�
In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.
這樣說(shuō)來(lái)，我只一味強(qiáng)調(diào)我的本意，而埃莉諾看重的卻是結(jié)果。所以，我倆講的話根本就風(fēng)馬牛不相及，最后自然都會(huì)因?yàn)榉制绾驼`解而生氣了。
The more I thought about what Ken said, the more I recognized that this battle — intention vs. consequences — was the root cause of so much interpersonal discord.
肯的話，我越想越覺(jué)得這種“本意VS結(jié)果”的爭(zhēng)論正是很多人際關(guān)系不和的根本原因。
As it turns out, it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.
事實(shí)表明，爭(zhēng)吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么，畢竟別人體會(huì)不到你的想法或行為，別人體會(huì)到的是你的行為所帶來(lái)的后果。
Here's another example: You send an email to a colleague telling him you think he could have spoken up more in a meeting.
舉例來(lái)說(shuō)：你給同事發(fā)了封郵件，說(shuō)你覺(jué)得他本可以在會(huì)議上多做點(diǎn)發(fā)言。
He replies to the email, "Maybe if you spoke less, I would have had an opportunity to say something!"
他回復(fù)郵件說(shuō)：“或許，要是你能少說(shuō)一點(diǎn)，我就有機(jī)會(huì)插上兩句了吧!”
That obviously rankles you. Still, you send off another email trying to clarify the first email: "I didn't mean to offend you, I was trying to help." And then maybe you add some dismay at the aggressiveness of his response.
這種話顯然激怒了你，但你又發(fā)了一封郵件進(jìn)行解釋：“我不是要找你茬，只想提點(diǎn)意見(jiàn)罷了�！庇只蛟S，因?yàn)橥碌幕貜?fù)太過(guò)分，你在郵件里也添油加醋了一番。
But that doesn't make things better. He quotes the language of your first email back to you. "Don't you see how it reads?" He asks. "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" You write back, IN CAPS.
可這么一來(lái)，事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封郵件的原話拷貝給你，反問(wèn)道：“那你這是寫的什么?”你特地用大寫字母回郵以示強(qiáng)調(diào)：“我不是那個(gè)意思!”
So how do you get out of this downward spiral?
如此惡性循環(huán)……怎么辦呢?
It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.
其實(shí)，辦法超級(jí)簡(jiǎn)單。當(dāng)你惹別人生氣了，甭管誰(shuí)對(duì)誰(shuí)錯(cuò)，先主動(dòng)開口為自己的言行向?qū)Ψ降狼�。至于你本意如何，以后再說(shuō)，或者永遠(yuǎn)都別羅里吧嗦地解釋，因?yàn)樽詈竽愕谋疽獠⒉荒敲粗匾?/p>
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